One of my friends recently wrote a blog saying they are basically disowning a member of their family because of some destructive behavior. I found this very sad. For me, I believe family is constant. It is only a question of how functional the family is, a screwedness level, if you will.
So, when considering your actions, you must always think of the screwedness level. Will your actions raise or lower the screwedness level of the family. This was the basic lesson I learned from family counseling. It is the lesson that allowed me to do many things that I would not have previously considered acceptable.
Now, the obvious question is how do you deal with a member of the family that is contributing to the screwedness level?
First, you must recognize that you can only control your behavior, not the behavior of others. Only by changing the way you react to a situation, can you influence someone to behave differently.
The question then becomes, what action can you take that will decrease the screwedness level?
The first hint is, what ever you were doing, stop it. Did the behavior upset you? Did you attempt to trump the level of stupidity you saw from someone else by taking the stupidity to a new level? Your mindset during these interactions is crucial.
What mindset should you have? Dominant, yet calm. Yes, we are going to use the Dog Whisperer method and treat the relative like a dog. That should work. How you do something is just as important as what you do. Just roll the family member over and scratch their belly.
But seriously, the issue here is to avoid conflict. When I mean dominant yet calm, I mean that you should state your position without getting into an argument. This involves handling the inevitable question why. Yes, there are smart ass ways to answer this question, I should know, but there are also non-confrontational ways to do it also. Someone asks why to get information to argue. Don't give them this information.
What answers can you give? An answer such as because I think it is best is a good example. A why may follow that. You can still respond with a generic answer such as because experience has shown me that is best. If you get another why, the response is that this isn't something you are willing to argue.
Now, this may sound like a headache. This may sound very hard to do. I have found that dealing with people can be enjoyable and very satisfying when you take a position that is best for the situation and minimizes screwedness. You will also gain respect by not getting dragged into the endless drama that permeates so many lives.
Take Care,
Steve
So, when considering your actions, you must always think of the screwedness level. Will your actions raise or lower the screwedness level of the family. This was the basic lesson I learned from family counseling. It is the lesson that allowed me to do many things that I would not have previously considered acceptable.
Now, the obvious question is how do you deal with a member of the family that is contributing to the screwedness level?
First, you must recognize that you can only control your behavior, not the behavior of others. Only by changing the way you react to a situation, can you influence someone to behave differently.
The question then becomes, what action can you take that will decrease the screwedness level?
The first hint is, what ever you were doing, stop it. Did the behavior upset you? Did you attempt to trump the level of stupidity you saw from someone else by taking the stupidity to a new level? Your mindset during these interactions is crucial.
What mindset should you have? Dominant, yet calm. Yes, we are going to use the Dog Whisperer method and treat the relative like a dog. That should work. How you do something is just as important as what you do. Just roll the family member over and scratch their belly.
But seriously, the issue here is to avoid conflict. When I mean dominant yet calm, I mean that you should state your position without getting into an argument. This involves handling the inevitable question why. Yes, there are smart ass ways to answer this question, I should know, but there are also non-confrontational ways to do it also. Someone asks why to get information to argue. Don't give them this information.
What answers can you give? An answer such as because I think it is best is a good example. A why may follow that. You can still respond with a generic answer such as because experience has shown me that is best. If you get another why, the response is that this isn't something you are willing to argue.
Now, this may sound like a headache. This may sound very hard to do. I have found that dealing with people can be enjoyable and very satisfying when you take a position that is best for the situation and minimizes screwedness. You will also gain respect by not getting dragged into the endless drama that permeates so many lives.
Take Care,
Steve
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